Wow. The imagery here is perfect, and goodbyes are hard.

--
Powerpets > Neopets.
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.:The Lost Girl:.

~Cybby

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thanks.

--
k. myst williams
i will stop at nothing to be a god.


I'm a sucker for romance, so I really enjoyed this piece.
I like the break between the "for one moment" stanzas with the

you were once the arid wheat field
in the care of a withered cypress tree,

(there are many eyes)

and I was the incessant vacant wind
that traveled from opulent lissom flora.

Its like the character can't finish his piece without explaining why the relationship is only one moment instead of a huge series of moments. It's well done and put, probably in the perfect place.
I definitely enjoyed the ending too. It gives meaning to all of the repitition in the rest of the piece. It shows WHY the speaker is emphasizing the "for one moment" so much.

for one moment,
when goodbyes tongue,
we were each other’s top shelf closet.

-- I really liked this stanza. When it came time to say goodbye, we were the top shelf of the closet. Not really appreciated, hardly ever looked at, but it holds the most meaningful of all of your stupid sentimental possessions.
Or at least thats what I thought of it.

This is a pretty awesome poem.
Keep up the good work.

--
Harmonize your inward and your outward life, and you soul will know no bounds of joy.

thanks. And ya you are right... I somewhat based it on my own experience (and id like to explain if you dont mind): I was breaking up with a girl and when we parted we kind of had this lingering moment as if we would be back to normal tomorrow, both well knowing we wouldnt. And when I went home, my closet shelf had pictures and gifts we had both been a part of... and thus this poem was born. This was a little while ago, I just never typed up the poem that was on an old grocery bill.

--
k. myst williams
i will stop at nothing to be a god.


I actually got just that from the poem.
Or at least something like that.
Yah.
Its well conveyed
Yah.

--
Harmonize your inward and your outward life, and you soul will know no bounds of joy.

thx

--
k. myst williams
i will stop at nothing to be a god.


for one moment,
your eyes were the butterflies
of Eskimos in an ankle deep playground.

Ok, the first stanza threw me off just a bit.. It's kind of hard to relate butterflies to Eskimos.. This stanza is just a little too abstract, mainly because butterflies and Eskimos don't really go together very well.. Is "Eskimos" dire to the meaning of the poem? If not, I would suggest changing it.. Other than that the rest is A-O-K.

for one moment,
your legs were tide-clean stones
basking in the dripping sun, craving inundation.

This stanza is beautiful. I love how the image of her legs are brought about... the tide-clean stones metaphor gives the legs a shine. Love love love the images brought. No nitpicks on this one.

you were once the arid wheat field
in the care of a withered cypress tree,

I'm not sure how a withered cypress can care for a wheat field.. or is that what it's supposed to mean? It seems like this stanza says that the girl is with someone else.. someone who can't care for her as need be. If I'm right, then I have no nitpicks, because the meaning is expressed pretty clearly, and it opens room for thought.

(there are many eyes)

Not getting this. It disrupts the flow, and I'm not sure who "many eyes" are. I would suggest either taking it out, rewording to make better sense, or add another line to it.

and I was the incessant vacant wind
thattraveled from opulent lissom flora.

This makes it seem like he is the guy that continuely tries to express himself for her, yet it never works. I'm not sure you said "opulent lissom flora" because that doesn't seem to match with the rest of the stanza in terms of context, or meaning. You mainly use a simple diction... I think "opulent lissom flora" is getting a little too far ahead.. Unless I am missing the meaning completely lol. If I am, please correct me. I would feel like an ass, but I would better understand the poem, and that would make me feel loads better.

for one moment,
my chest was cardboard
compacted and never collected by the callow.

Only thing that makes me wonder, is why his chest? Not really sure.. If you could tell me, I'd appreciate it. Other than that, a nice sadish image brought about... I'm just puzzled as to why his chest.

for one moment,
when goodbyes tongue,
we were each other’s top shelf closet.

When you say "goodbyes tongue" is that another word for last minute kisses, or the goodbyes they are saying to each other? Throughout the whole poem, you make it seem as if they are not together, but this line suggests otherwise... Then the last line says "we were each other's top shelf closet". This makes them seem as if they will never see each other again.. the top shelf of a closet is rarely ever visited, and things just sit up there, alone (well in my case that's how it is). Nice job on that one.

( -- try to understand,
the ground never answers)

You are falling, and never stopping. This seems to coincide with falling for the girl. It is a little jutted, but it adds to the poem overall, so I like it. Lol.

then we feign,
like infatuated children,
that we will obtain another moment
tomorrow.

Great ending stanza.. so full of emotional power. I liked the fact that you included infatuated children, but I'm unsure as to why they were both infatuated children. Seems to me as if the narrator would be the infatuated one, not her. The last two lines hit home. Great job.

Hope this helps any, if you want I'll do another poem... you can pick one out for me if you like

--
Refrain from calculating your juvenile poultry before the incubation process has been executed... man I need a new signature.

Go to =DailyDeviants NOW! We demand your attention

Ok, the first stanza threw me off just a bit.. It's kind of hard to relate butterflies to Eskimos.. This stanza is just a little too abstract, mainly because butterflies and Eskimos don't really go together very well.. Is "Eskimos" dire to the meaning of the poem? If not, I would suggest changing it..

I knew someone would mention that. Haha. And I have been debating this myself, so your reinforcement may very well have me change this. I used Eskimos because if an Eskimo caught a butterfly, it would be a sensational experience, never seeing such a beautiful creature before. The Eskimo would cherish this butterfly, if only even for a moment, much like at one point how I did this young woman’s eyes. I know: cheesy, but it just came out. Maybe I’ll change it if that doesn’t convince you.

I'm not sure how a withered cypress can care for a wheat field.. or is that what it's supposed to mean? It seems like this stanza says that the girl is with someone else.. someone who can't care for her as need be. If I'm right, then I have no nitpicks, because the meaning is expressed pretty clearly, and it opens room for thought.

You are kind of right. Yes, she was in the care of someone who didn’t care for her appropriately, but it isn’t someone else, it is me, the narrator.

Not getting this. It disrupts the flow, and I'm not sure who "many eyes" are. I would suggest either taking it out, rewording to make better sense, or add another line to it.

Ya, I’m debating this also. I think you are right. I will rework this.

Unless I am missing the meaning completely lol. If I am, please correct me. I would feel like an ass, but I would better understand the poem, and that would make me feel loads better.

He was the incessant vacant wind because he was empty and failing at communicating to her (so you are correct), but he came from opulent lissome flora because he was finding satisfaction somewhere else.

Only thing that makes me wonder, is why his chest? Not really sure.. If you could tell me, I'd appreciate it.

His chest protects his heart. Cheesy, eh. lol.

When you say "goodbyes tongue" is that another word for last minute kisses, or the goodbyes they are saying to each other? Throughout the whole poem, you make it seem as if they are not together, but this line suggests otherwise... Then the last line says "we were each other's top shelf closet". This makes them seem as if they will never see each other again.. the top shelf of a closet is rarely ever visited, and things just sit up there, alone (well in my case that's how it is). Nice job on that one.

When they speak of their goodbyes. The narration is referring to the past, so he is referring to a point after they broke up and how they kind of figured they’d never see each other again, or at least, not like they did before.. .thus their memories belong in the top shelf of their closet.

You are falling, and never stopping. This seems to coincide with falling for the girl. It is a little jutted, but it adds to the poem overall, so I like it. Lol.

He says to her, try to understand, because of what he did that wronged her. If that helps any.

Great ending stanza.. so full of emotional power. I liked the fact that you included infatuated children, but I'm unsure as to why they were both infatuated children. Seems to me as if the narrator would be the infatuated one, not her. The last two lines hit home. Great job.

They were both very much in love, but like I stated before… he ruined the relationship by cheating. So even though they are very much in love, it could never be because of the mistake he made.

Hope this helps any, if you want I'll do another poem... you can pick one out for me if you like

Cool man, I’d love that. Pick any poem you feel comfortable with. And thanks for the help, I really have to work on that (there were many eyes) part more than anything I think... so that will be the first thing I consider.

--
k. myst williams
i will stop at nothing to be a god.


I knew someone would mention that. Haha. And I have been debating this myself, so your reinforcement may very well have me change this. I used Eskimos because if an Eskimo caught a butterfly, it would be a sensational experience, never seeing such a beautiful creature before. The Eskimo would cherish this butterfly, if only even for a moment, much like at one point how I did this young woman’s eyes. I know: cheesy, but it just came out. Maybe I’ll change it if that doesn’t convince you.

Now that you mention it it does make sense, but it's not cheesy... I like it.. I think I just misread it and didn't catch the fact that the Eskimos possessed the butterflies. I like how you used "ankle deep playground". That's very catchy.

You are kind of right. Yes, she was in the care of someone who didn’t care for her appropriately, but it isn’t someone else, it is me, the narrator.

Ahh, that makes sense. I figured I was close with my analysis lol. So this is a personal poem.... is it based off of true events? This is a remarkable, emotional poem.


Cool man, I’d love that. Pick any poem you feel comfortable with. And thanks for the help, I really have to work on that (there were many eyes) part more than anything I think... so that will be the first thing I consider.

I'm heading to your gallery to find another poem to examine. Your gallery is fully of goodies... I don't know if I'll be able to find one critiqueable (is that even a word?) lol.

--
Refrain from calculating your juvenile poultry before the incubation process has been executed... man I need a new signature.

Go to =DailyDeviants NOW! We demand your attention